I’ve been away from my house with my family for the first time in almost three years. It was magic! We rented a place on the beachfront. A rare moon was out and reflected on the ocean, making it look like this giant mirror to heaven every night. We had breakfast on the deck and went to bed with the sound of the sea in the background. We picked beautiful little pebbles and seashells – the kind I last saw when I was a child. It was just magical.
Beyond the beauty and the magic, it was also a time of family, no routine and an opportunity to reflect genuinely, the kind I could no longer avoid. However, it didn’t start with two toddlers in the back seat on a six-hour road trip. Or my checking in for the first few days – almost like I was a junkie being weaned from some “responsibility” drug.
For me, it was a time of self-discovery. A time in which I realised that, in many ways, I have been in some hibernation since around March 2020. I have had experiences, some of which I have written about in this blog. Which became like those windows of reality you get when you wake up early in the morning, turn around and sleep some more.
I realised that slowly, I have lost what has made me, me. From early on in my life, my family had great expectations of me. Likewise, I had great expectations of myself. But somehow, my reality has become days of service with little thought of my expectations of myself. It dawned on me that the firm wins awards, but my dream of recognising my craft and ability always ends up as the runner-up. That is the price I have paid. Somewhere I became so responsibility obsessed that I took every knock directed at the collective in only my gut. I became the mentor, the friend, the wife, the mother and the person who has your back no matter what—often experiencing it all as a very lonely place. Admirable, I would think, but to be honest, I have taken a severe beating over almost three years.
Good intentions aside – I think I must admit that I was a little selfish. As a result, I have taken valuable learning opportunities away from others. I can do better.
I found a long-lost friend in these few magical days and will fight for her as hard as I have fought for everyone other than her. This holiday was so unique that I cried the night before we left for home. I did that last when I was a child. Deeply disturbing for someone who does not cry easily or often.
So, what does it mean?!
As leaders, I think we often feel responsible for the actions or non–actions of others because we focus on the organisation’s survival. Many theories help feed what I believe has become a misconception. You are accountable to lead and address issues as they may arise, but not to step in and do the work yourself. This often happens because the client is heroed. So, when the forces collide, the result is that the longer this happens, the more we tend to sacrifice our very best friend – ourselves until little to nothing is left. Maybe all of this is better explained by saying it is all like gaining weight – it happens gradually unnoticed until that day when you don’t fit into those jeans. Jokes aside – a mind shift is needed to share the load and never fall into the trap where we think the little things have no consequences. They do.
So where for me, I have picked up a handful of experiences that make me smile, and I intend to spread them throughout my day. My kids collected seashells and pebbles for me – I picked up a lot of joy and clarity.
“
The Sun Sinks into the Sea
The sun falls into the distant blue
a sea fading to a deep grey
taking with it, the things I didn’t do
and the words I didn’t say carrying a small piece of me
washed away with the tide
ebbing opportunities
in the past — forever reside sinking into the passage of time
retired to the remote sea
This present night, is all that’s mine
It’s all that’s left of me
Tomorrow I’ll begin again with
new hopes, dreams and plans
So many days already counted
So much time lost, since time began
But tomorrow is not guaranteed
and each fallen day is never restored
Will I redeem the present moment?
or will I squander it by seeking more?
I don’t discount hopes and dreams
that quietly sneak into my slumber
Sometimes these are the only things
that count the years, as more than numbers
Fulfilling the dreams of yesterdays
Isn’t that what todays are for?
Fulfilling the hope of future days
Isn’t that what tomorrows are for?
Or perhaps I should just let today be
Be present in its unique splendor
Enjoy this one space in eternity
No past. No plans. Simply surrender
The sun has set upon yesterday
The sun has not yet risen upon tomorrow
The moment is now. The day is today
Toss aside future worries and past sorrows
And when the sun sinks into the bay
and my time has come to rest
I know I fully lived today
and gave every moment my best”
https://medium.com/weeds-wildflowers/the-sun-sinks-into-the-sea-7a52b44412d2
