The matriarch elephant is the bedrock of the elephant family. She is responsible for defending and looking out for each family member. She also sets the pace for the herd’s migration and leads the way, often in the most trying of situations. When she dies, she is typically succeeded by her closest female relative.
In many ways, human families are similar. Although, in many cultures, we only sometimes credit our matriarchs for their pivotal role in our lives. It is also true that many of us are privileged to experience matriarchy both inside and outside our families.
When our human matriarchs pass away, at some point or to some extent, we succeed them. This month, my matriarch, my Ouma, left for Heaven. It has been one of the most profound and heart-wrenching losses I have ever experienced. I now understand what it means if someone says, “there is now a hole where my once heart was”.
My Ouma was an exceptional human being who left us with a tremendous and tangible legacy—from the bonsais, she started in 1966 to a solid spiritual foundation for each of us in our family.
She endured many hardships in her life but was one of the most grateful people I have ever known; she never complained. She had an indescribable capacity to love and nurture throughout her life. My Ouma was curious by nature and, therefore, could talk about anything. She was immensely innovative, and no challenge life brought her was too big to tackle head-on. She could make your fashion dreams a reality and was over the age of 70 when she started lead glasswork and wood carving. Ouma was the loudest cheerleader to any of my dreams and my biggest aspirations. Nothing was ever impossible in her book; all you need to do is believe and work towards it. She shaped my worldview, how I practice leadership, and how I show my love for my family. Every day I am grateful, and I consider myself immensely privileged to have walked behind her, our matriarch.
Life has changed for me in the blink of an eye. As these things often do, I struggle to adjust to the daily “beatings of the drum”, if I am honest. I keep remembering and replaying that perfect last day we had. If you told me then – it would be over the next day – I would have considered it a terrible April Fools’ joke.
Yet, I knew as it was happening, on that next day, if I think back now… I was calm but knew something earth-moving was about to happen. At that moment, I knew a baton (maybe not the baton, but a baton) was being passed. Suddenly, so many things became “silly” and no longer mattered. I guess I was ready on some deep subconscious level – even when I didn’t want to be.
So, what does this all mean – well, death, loss and joy are all part of life. Without it, I believe we do not have the capacity as human beings to know WHAT WE HAVE or THAT WE HAVE IT. It means that when you look back and process these watershed moments in life, we notice we have been rehearsing running the relay for a long time.
I miss her every day, all the time. But when I walk outside and look around, she is in my heart. So now I will draw from her life recipes and remember that soon I may be, or perhaps I have already unknowingly become a matriarch. But, for now, I see her clock’s chime as a reminder to put one foot after the next and to take it one step at a time.
I want to conclude and share a song I walked into the church with when I married. At the time, it was the blessing Deon and I wanted for our marriage. It was initially recorded by one of my favourite tenors. He inspired my youngest son’s name. But today, Ouma – this one is for you! Rest in peace, my matriarch, until we meet again.
“I pray you’ll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don’t know
Let this be our prayer
When we lose our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
To a place where we’ll be safe
La luce che tu dai
(I pray we’ll find your light)
Nel cuore resterà
(And hold it in our hearts)
A ricordarci che
(When stars go out each night)
L’eterna stella sei
(Whoa)
Nella mia preghiera
(Let this be our prayer)
Quanta fede c’è
(When shadows fill our day)
Lead us to a place
(Guide us with your grace)
Give us faith so we’ll be safe
Sogniamo un mondo senza più violenza
Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino
Simbolo di pace, di fraternità
La forza che ci dà
(We ask that life be kind)
È il desiderio che
(And watch us from above)
Ognuno trovi amor
(We hope each soul will find)
Intorno e dentro sé
(Another soul to love)
Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Just like every child
Need to find a place
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we’ll be safe
È la fede che
Hai acceso in noi
Sento che ci salver”
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